Family Planning Pt. 2

 I'll be here, enjoying Italy & Prosecco. 

I'll be here, enjoying Italy & Prosecco. 

I have written half a dozen blog post since the last post in January. I've posted them, read them, reread them and then deleted them within 25 minutes. The fact of the matter being, it is SO hard to open up and share your heart with strangers as well as come to terms with my feelings. I love writing and more often than not writing is a way for me to process which is why over the last eight months I have written and deleted so many posts. Some posts rants, some stories of grief, some anger, others more positive and trying to find the humor and bright side but none worth posting because every time, I learn something. 

During my rants about people who are so thick, who just don't get the sensitivity that comes with a subject like this, I've learned my place in education. How to educate someone who is trying to help but can't find the right words; someone who is genuinely curious but isn't asking the right person or question; someone who wants to help but needs to look up from their own situation and cure to discover what {my} situation is; someone hung up in their success to listen to the failures. I've learned that instead of lashing out and giving "people what they deserve" if I use patience and calm words to say "yes, I have tried that but did you know that doesn't work for both men and women", "it actually isn't polite to ask about my sex life, but we will let you know when we're pregnant not the other way around" or "I really don't feel comfortable talking to you about this" gets me a lot further and thrown out of a lot fewer places than the becoming oh-so-common "f off". 

In my grief, I have learned that it is okay to be frustrated and sad, but it will be the end of you if you give up. I learned to pee on fewer sticks (TMI?), to find a solid person to talk to someone who has been there, experienced similar or you trust through and through. I've learned how to deal with grief and disappointment, and I've learned who I can trust. 

In my anger, I have learned that NO ONE can tell me when we are ready to have kids, when we should have children or when we should start trying to conceive. I have learned that there are a time and a place for anger and blasting people on the internet isn't that place. I've learned that people are stupid and it is okay to think and say that just not to their face. I've learned that people are going to have opinions whether you like it or not and moving on with life is the less time-consuming option.

Through finding the positive side of things, I've learned that grief gets easier to manage over time. There are moments you can laugh at like using an expired pregnancy test. There are things in life we can enjoy in the waiting time. We have been trying for over two years, and I can say that having a two-year-old now would mean that our lives would have been very different not in a good or bad way. We can enjoy up and leaving the house when ever we like, traveling to another country without much thought and using our phones for our enjoyment rather than Peppa Pig. All small things that I will have no trouble giving up when the time comes, but I fully plan on enjoying for the time being, like wine and Italy. 

Family Planning

I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined that I would ever write a post like this but here we are nearly two years into trying to have a family. Now before you judge, say something you may regret or insert your opinion where it is not welcome, let me tell you that when I was four years old, and someone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my only answer was a mom. My entire life my "career" choice has not waivered. At times I wanted to be a nurse, and when I watched Grey's Anatomy, I debated being a surgeon but who didn't; I have never wanted to go to school, however, before having a baby. I have always had a deep desire to be a mother.

When Wilson and I got married and thought we were pregnant the first time I nearly lost my mind. I was over the moon, I took 3 pregnancy test, all negative, and I cried. It was at that moment in our first month of marriage that we decided that we would start "trying." We were and are still babies, I know. I won't argue with you that we are young and could probably stand to wait a little while but when you have a desire to do or be something would you not go to any length to get it? We started with a dog because my hope was that maybe that would satisfy my need to mother something. Then my siblings moved in, so again, I got to take care of someone. I sit here though, tears rolling down my cheeks telling you the desire is so strong I am convinced that nothing will take that place. So before you say that I am too young, I am ill equipt, or not ready, look deep into your heart and think about a time you wanted something so bad and nothing could satisfy that desire. 

So after all those years of dreaming, hoping and praying; imagine the pain and hurt that comes when someone asks when I'm going to have a baby and being disappointed with the answer, "soon, I hope!". I am so tired of people coming out of the woods to have an opinion on whether or not I should have a baby. I am sick of trying to hide my face and tears from everyone who asks "so when are you guys going to start a family?!" and then hiding it again when the same person judges you for talking to doctors about your options. As a Christian, I fully believe that God will provide for Wilson and I and he will satisfy my deepest desire. As a human being, and someone who grew up fully dependant on, I also believe in our medical system and the people that God created and enabled to develop the kind of technology we have available today. 

I am not the only one who has had to deal with the pain and stress of trying to get or stay pregnant, I'm well aware. 15-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, up to 15% of couple are infertile or struggle with fertility, and nearly 40% of that falls on the mans shoulders. So on top of the impact of your seemingly harmless question the person you have asked now has to try to prevent blame from falling on either side. It is difficult enough not being able to get pregnant, let alone making it seem one sided. 

So let this be a cautionary tale to you and your questions and opinions. Until you know the person, situation, the emotion or the heartbreak involved in your "simple" question. Consider this, although for some babies just happen, for others, babies take years of praying, crying, heartbreak, countless doctors appointments, money, and stress. Maybe knowing what a couple's next step isn't what you should be asking about because is it really your business whether they are planning to have kids or not? There are obvious exceptions to this, as there always is, such as when someone opens up about it with out incessant questioning but don't use family planning as small talk, use the weather. 

Home Towns

Growing up we moved around a lot, but the one thing that never changed was the town we lived in. It was always Courtenay, the same old little island town with no building over four stories high. I hated this place growing up; it felt like you couldn't escape it; now it's my escape. I felt trapped; you could call it island fever all though I didn't know anything different. It was the same people all the time; everyone knew you and if you wanted to shop you had to drive an hour and a half south to find a mall that wasn't just Zellars. Nanaimo was a special and rare adventure, but Vancouver was a dream. Until, I moved there. 

The mainland is fast-paced and exciting. There are so many things to do and seldom do you run into someone you know downtown. I love it, but I realize now how much I took for granted my island town. It is on the crazy, fast-paced, hectic days that I desire the island most. I can always count on Courtenay for relaxation and rest. I retreat to the island when I need a break. Hometowns are great for that, reminding you where you came from, allowing you rest and refreshing you. I love coming to this tiny town, but I also love returning to my home on the mainland and returning to normal life, crazy as it may be. 

Marriage

Marriage is funny, I never pictured it the way it came about and I thought on my wedding day that I was the most in love I could and ever would be. I was very, extremely, most definitely wrong.

It is an adjustment learning to live together and always have the constant company. I didn't like it. I loved alone time, I got angry because Wilson wanted to hang around with me while I was doing my makeup, making food, getting a drink and going to the bathroom. I told him to leave me alone more times than I could count. Now I text him while he is at school, "when are you coming home? Can you leave early? maybe you should just come home and forget school?" I can't get enough time with the goof. 

I was so in love I maxed out - or so I thought. Every time I laugh with him I fall a little more in love, he kisses my head - more love. He cuddles up and I hope he never leaves. (Don't tell him that, though.) I really never thought my heart was capable of this feeling but I love it and I wouldnt change it for anything. 

Commitment

This post is not an easy one to write but is one I feel can help some. This post is close to my heart and shows a lot of who I am and how I deal with situations. I don't like to try anything I know I could fail at which is perhaps why both this blog and recent life changes have been difficult to keep up with. We are always learning and growing no matter what life stage. We can be taught and keeping that in mind may change the way we see people and ourselves.

When I got married this summer, I thought that was the biggest sign of commitment there was. I felt that that meant my now husband, couldn't leave me or hurt me. He was tied to me for life. I did not, however, realize that I would still live in fear of losing him despite being married. I have this way of trying to sabotage anything I think might fail. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism or just not having learned what real love is. My heart hurt at the thought of losing Wilson but for some reason, I couldn't shake the feeling that I would end up alone. I picked fights with Wilson and got more angry at small problems than necessary. I am usually full of patience and understanding, but when it came to Wilson, I always lost it.  

Wilson was always patient, loving and respectful to me while I was learning and growing. He loved me the best way he could and eventually I saw that. I spent months feeling gray and like I had no personality, but Wilson stood by. He was my strength and held me when I cried. He loved me so well.

It wasn't until late that I realized that what was happening and how awful it must have been for Wilson. I had no idea there was a problem. I was driving in my car one day thinking about how our relationship was and how unfair it felt. My thoughts revolved around the fact that we haven't been married a year, and we already have problems. I have so many things to be thankful for, but for some reason, my fear wasn't allowing me to move forward. I wanted to love Wilson the best way I could, but it wasn't until I let go of my fear that our relationship would fail that I could fully love him. It has not been an easy lesson, but I am so thankful for Wilson who stood by me and was patient with me and for those who prayed for us. I am so happy to be over this bump and to have had my best friend by my side loving me through it. 

We are all learning and I didn't fully comprehend that commitment was a daily choice until I had to choose every morning. Falling in love is the easy part. Staying in love is a commitment and a daily choice. We have to choose love everyday otherwise we start neglecting the ones we care most about. Choose love daily and watch how your life changes.