Family Planning

I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined that I would ever write a post like this but here we are nearly two years into trying to have a family. Now before you judge, say something you may regret or insert your opinion where it is not welcome, let me tell you that when I was four years old, and someone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my only answer was a mom. My entire life my "career" choice has not waivered. At times I wanted to be a nurse, and when I watched Grey's Anatomy, I debated being a surgeon but who didn't; I have never wanted to go to school, however, before having a baby. I have always had a deep desire to be a mother.

When Wilson and I got married and thought we were pregnant the first time I nearly lost my mind. I was over the moon, I took 3 pregnancy test, all negative, and I cried. It was at that moment in our first month of marriage that we decided that we would start "trying." We were and are still babies, I know. I won't argue with you that we are young and could probably stand to wait a little while but when you have a desire to do or be something would you not go to any length to get it? We started with a dog because my hope was that maybe that would satisfy my need to mother something. Then my siblings moved in, so again, I got to take care of someone. I sit here though, tears rolling down my cheeks telling you the desire is so strong I am convinced that nothing will take that place. So before you say that I am too young, I am ill equipt, or not ready, look deep into your heart and think about a time you wanted something so bad and nothing could satisfy that desire. 

So after all those years of dreaming, hoping and praying; imagine the pain and hurt that comes when someone asks when I'm going to have a baby and being disappointed with the answer, "soon, I hope!". I am so tired of people coming out of the woods to have an opinion on whether or not I should have a baby. I am sick of trying to hide my face and tears from everyone who asks "so when are you guys going to start a family?!" and then hiding it again when the same person judges you for talking to doctors about your options. As a Christian, I fully believe that God will provide for Wilson and I and he will satisfy my deepest desire. As a human being, and someone who grew up fully dependant on, I also believe in our medical system and the people that God created and enabled to develop the kind of technology we have available today. 

I am not the only one who has had to deal with the pain and stress of trying to get or stay pregnant, I'm well aware. 15-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, up to 15% of couple are infertile or struggle with fertility, and nearly 40% of that falls on the mans shoulders. So on top of the impact of your seemingly harmless question the person you have asked now has to try to prevent blame from falling on either side. It is difficult enough not being able to get pregnant, let alone making it seem one sided. 

So let this be a cautionary tale to you and your questions and opinions. Until you know the person, situation, the emotion or the heartbreak involved in your "simple" question. Consider this, although for some babies just happen, for others, babies take years of praying, crying, heartbreak, countless doctors appointments, money, and stress. Maybe knowing what a couple's next step isn't what you should be asking about because is it really your business whether they are planning to have kids or not? There are obvious exceptions to this, as there always is, such as when someone opens up about it with out incessant questioning but don't use family planning as small talk, use the weather. 

Marika Lin

Surrey, BC, Canada