This post is not an easy one to write but is one I feel can help some. This post is close to my heart and shows a lot of who I am and how I deal with situations. I don't like to try anything I know I could fail at which is perhaps why both this blog and recent life changes have been difficult to keep up with. We are always learning and growing no matter what life stage. We can be taught and keeping that in mind may change the way we see people and ourselves.
When I got married this summer, I thought that was the biggest sign of commitment there was. I felt that that meant my now husband, couldn't leave me or hurt me. He was tied to me for life. I did not, however, realize that I would still live in fear of losing him despite being married. I have this way of trying to sabotage anything I think might fail. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism or just not having learned what real love is. My heart hurt at the thought of losing Wilson but for some reason, I couldn't shake the feeling that I would end up alone. I picked fights with Wilson and got more angry at small problems than necessary. I am usually full of patience and understanding, but when it came to Wilson, I always lost it.
Wilson was always patient, loving and respectful to me while I was learning and growing. He loved me the best way he could and eventually I saw that. I spent months feeling gray and like I had no personality, but Wilson stood by. He was my strength and held me when I cried. He loved me so well.
It wasn't until late that I realized that what was happening and how awful it must have been for Wilson. I had no idea there was a problem. I was driving in my car one day thinking about how our relationship was and how unfair it felt. My thoughts revolved around the fact that we haven't been married a year, and we already have problems. I have so many things to be thankful for, but for some reason, my fear wasn't allowing me to move forward. I wanted to love Wilson the best way I could, but it wasn't until I let go of my fear that our relationship would fail that I could fully love him. It has not been an easy lesson, but I am so thankful for Wilson who stood by me and was patient with me and for those who prayed for us. I am so happy to be over this bump and to have had my best friend by my side loving me through it.
We are all learning and I didn't fully comprehend that commitment was a daily choice until I had to choose every morning. Falling in love is the easy part. Staying in love is a commitment and a daily choice. We have to choose love everyday otherwise we start neglecting the ones we care most about. Choose love daily and watch how your life changes.