Family Planning Pt. 2

I'll be here, enjoying Italy & Prosecco. 

I'll be here, enjoying Italy & Prosecco. 

I have written half a dozen blog post since the last post in January. I've posted them, read them, reread them and then deleted them within 25 minutes. The fact of the matter being, it is SO hard to open up and share your heart with strangers as well as come to terms with my feelings. I love writing and more often than not writing is a way for me to process which is why over the last eight months I have written and deleted so many posts. Some posts rants, some stories of grief, some anger, others more positive and trying to find the humor and bright side but none worth posting because every time, I learn something. 

During my rants about people who are so thick, who just don't get the sensitivity that comes with a subject like this, I've learned my place in education. How to educate someone who is trying to help but can't find the right words; someone who is genuinely curious but isn't asking the right person or question; someone who wants to help but needs to look up from their own situation and cure to discover what {my} situation is; someone hung up in their success to listen to the failures. I've learned that instead of lashing out and giving "people what they deserve" if I use patience and calm words to say "yes, I have tried that but did you know that doesn't work for both men and women", "it actually isn't polite to ask about my sex life, but we will let you know when we're pregnant not the other way around" or "I really don't feel comfortable talking to you about this" gets me a lot further and thrown out of a lot fewer places than the becoming oh-so-common "f off". 

In my grief, I have learned that it is okay to be frustrated and sad, but it will be the end of you if you give up. I learned to pee on fewer sticks (TMI?), to find a solid person to talk to someone who has been there, experienced similar or you trust through and through. I've learned how to deal with grief and disappointment, and I've learned who I can trust. 

In my anger, I have learned that NO ONE can tell me when we are ready to have kids, when we should have children or when we should start trying to conceive. I have learned that there are a time and a place for anger and blasting people on the internet isn't that place. I've learned that people are stupid and it is okay to think and say that just not to their face. I've learned that people are going to have opinions whether you like it or not and moving on with life is the less time-consuming option.

Through finding the positive side of things, I've learned that grief gets easier to manage over time. There are moments you can laugh at like using an expired pregnancy test. There are things in life we can enjoy in the waiting time. We have been trying for over two years, and I can say that having a two-year-old now would mean that our lives would have been very different not in a good or bad way. We can enjoy up and leaving the house when ever we like, traveling to another country without much thought and using our phones for our enjoyment rather than Peppa Pig. All small things that I will have no trouble giving up when the time comes, but I fully plan on enjoying for the time being, like wine and Italy.